As some of you know, a couple of years ago our son was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). During this process the characteristics of autism triggered a sense of recognition, not just regarding my son, but also for myself.

We talked about this topic for a very long time and I have started the process, mid 2022, of diagnosing if I also might have ASD. Due to the long waiting list in (mental) healthcare and the specialized nature of diagnosing ASD in adults in the Netherlands the process started in April 2023, with the formal diagnoses Summer 2023. First the general practitioner transferred me for diagnoses of ADD or ADHD. For me that did not resonate well. It took some convincing and finding the right organization for me to get a transferral to them.

Diagnoses of Autism ( ASD )

The whole process took over 4 months, but very welcoming and at the same time it gave me a sense of dread for the future. What if it is ASD? How will people react? Lots of uncertainties for sure.

As expected, and not entirely surprising, the diagnosis confirmed that I have ASD. ASD is characterized by seven core traits, all of which are strongly present in me. In a way, I’ve finally achieved a perfect score, just not in the way one typically hopes for.

Autism presents itself differently in each individual; in my case, I’m considered to be a high-functioning autistic person. Some traits are more prominent than others, and the nature of my work demands a significant amount of energy. This means I require considerable time to recover in order to continue functioning effectively in daily life.

When we read the formal diagnoses we thought to have read this before. And yes, the gist of it was spot on the same as the one of our son. And at the same time the diagnoses gave me a sense of relieve and of a deep sense of loss. The feeling was very similar to that of grieving.

After the Diagnoses

The relief came from understanding that my brain is simply wired differently. Not better, not worse, just different. But that very difference also fueled a sense of loss. As much as I might wish to experience the world like someone without ASD, I have to come to terms with the reality of who I am. That acceptance didn’t come easily; it was similar to a grieving process that demanded time, reflection, effort and lots of support from the home front.

Acceptance brings a measure of peace to my mind, yet paradoxically, it also stirs restlessness. I still tend to take on too much at once. Even now, as I write this, a tangle of thoughts competes for attention, making it difficult to focus. Committing these words to the post is both an act of trust and of personal risk, but it is something I feel compelled to do.

I’ve never kept it a secret when asked or when the topic arose, I spoke (and speak) about it openly. Of course, I shared it with close family and occasionally with close friends. But now feels like the right moment to share it more widely and more publicly.

The relieve part

In the last couple of years I have learned to accept the diagnosis. This is not very easy to do. For me the the feeling is two-fold. On the one hand I know what the difference is and at the same time it makes me even more unsure. And understanding the reasoning gives a sense of relieve.

The grieving part

Though partly, the sense of feeling lost, alone and not happy al over, is something that I experience a lot. There are good days and bad ones. Something everybody will experience. However for me the bad days have a paralyzing effect. Those days I find it extremely hard to push myself beyond the paralyzing feeling. These days are no fun, not just for me, but also for my family.

The future, the challenges I face and how I keep those manageable

Prior and after the diagnoses I have bought some books to read on the topic. Below a short list of those that helped me in some form:

My approach is reading these books and taking in those parts that resonate with me. Those that know me, I am pretty down-to-earth and brutally direct and honest. The more spiritual “kumbaya” approaches do not really resonate with me. I am taking the more scientific approach. For me it is a matter of reading, gaining more understanding from the explanation and apply what works best for me. Briefly after the diagnoses I was asked if I would consider group therapy. However that gives me the a feeling of discomfort. Others might (most likely) will have different feelings and emotions. Happy for you if it works. Not for me.

For now I am very happy with the decision of working for no more then 32 hours in the week. I feel that having that extra time to recover, gives me the energy in surviving the “rat race” we are all part of. I have learned that events with large crowds are not my preferred setting, too much noise and impressions I have to process. Even going to restaurants can be a challenge when there is a lots of noise. For this reason have I bought a pair of noise dampening earplugs that work for me, they help reduce the stimuli experiences I face day to day. When I am tired I even experience sensory overload when going to a shopping mall or supermarket. However I now understand better why I (was) am so tired after a busy day with loads of stimuli. What going through the day actually costs me, energy wise, is something that I need to take the time to recover from.

Also when there are social events that take place with crowds of people, these will add to a sensory overload for me. For me there are not that many benefits for attending these (social) events. Too many stimuli I have to process and it is quite draining for me. And before the diagnoses of ASD I was (very) unsure of myself of the why I felt this way. Now I no longer feel that way. It is also a matter of defining and setting boundaries. It also means that certain (social)events or settings with loads of people do not work for me. Too much stimuli to experience. I prefer to skip those.

I am better in a more controlled environment of smaller sizes and with a lot less impressions.

We have found that multiple times a year the Rijksmuseum organizes a reduced stimuli experience by opening at night between 18:00 and 21:00. It is really enjoyable to visit the museum in that window. Now I can enjoy the art more and do not feel rushed when there are more people around. More and more organizations organize reduced stimuli experiences.

I do not know what the future will bring. Posting something this personal is a big leap of faith that I am taking. And at the same time it is something I want to do for a long time. I started writing this post in May of 2025. And now I want to publish it. It is time. When I explain my ASD, I state that I simply “think different” then most. And luckily Apple had a campaign a long time ago….

There have been emotional outburst’s of me that I am not proud off. Now I understand better the reasoning why these happened. I try to communicate where my boundaries are, however there are instances, in the past, where people have underestimated what it means to me, to go across those (communicated) boundaries. I am sorry that the reaction happened, but please keep in mind, these are reactions, not actions. I am not proud of the reaction, in hindsight I could have handled these perhaps better. And at the same time it is so bloody hard to identify the starting of the overwhelming feeling of emotions to prevent an even bigger outburst. In most cases I realize after the fact, that this was not smart. For me this remains a big challenge and I need to find a way in better coping with that. Even now I keep on having a sense of grieving regarding these outbursts.

The time around Christmas and the New Year is for me not the most pleasant one, it is a challenge to say the least. So many stimuli and that forced sense of happiness. To me the AI generated add from 2025 for McDonald’s was spot on. Not that I want to find my “save haven” at McD.. Sadly they pulled the ad. I believe there are more people that do not share this period as “the most wonderful time of the year” and feel that the catch phrase of the ad is more spot on: “The most terrible time of the year”.

All in all, my autism also gives me an edge, I “see” things differently, and I am able to connect the dots (perhaps) more easily, and it brought me today where I am. At times in a dark place, a very dark place. At other times it gives me a feeling of proudness and accomplishment. It helps me in the “Due Diligence” side of my work and life. The grieving part will take time, with more time than I anticipated.